Identity & Belonging: The Farewell
Photo: IMDB
No spoilers in this one!
The Farewell, directed by Lulu Wang, starring Awkwafina, is one of the most beautiful films I’ve seen. It’s a story of a young Chinese-American woman, Billi, who goes to China for one last visit with her dying grandmother - except her grandmother, who Billi calls Nai Nai, has no idea that she’s dying, and a fake wedding is concocted to orchestrate a reunion. As is sometimes customary in Chinese culture, Nai Nai’s family decides to keep her illness from her, for the sake of her own emotional and physical health. The best part? The story depicts Lulu Wang’s own family story, all the way down to the fake wedding. It’s filled with moments that make you laugh and cry at the same time; the combination of Lulu Wang’s directing and Awkwafina’s acting is masterful. Beyond the themes of grief and family, the film also focuses on identity, belonging, and cross cultural immigrant experiences. Perhaps because of my own cross cultural upbringing as the daughter of Indian immigrants, this film resonated deeply with me.
Throughout the film, we see Billi’s identity questioned by her Chinese relatives - and by complete strangers (an experience I’m familiar with, when I visit India!). A hotel worker asks where she’s from, and when she says America he remarks: “America? You don’t look like an American!” And yet, these same people make it clear to Billi that she isn’t exactly Chinese, either, remarking on her imperfect Mandarin (in one instance, resulting in a hilarious incident at a massage parlor) and lack of understanding of Chinese customs. Billi recognizes this too, inquiring about the Mandarin word for “illegal” when she questions the integrity of lying to Nai Nai. So who is she? Where does she belong? These dualities are common to so many immigrants and first generation Americans, and yet the experience feels broader than that too. Who doesn’t grapple with questions of who we are and where we fit from time to time?
Much goes into how we build identity and belonging, but when different perspectives exist between groups we are part of (in Billi’s case, American and Chinese), this experience becomes all the more complicated. It’s well understood that there are different value systems, approaches, and mindsets between East and West. We can see Billi grappling with her Eastern / Western mashup of values throughout the film, especially around the concept of how to manage her own grief, the idea of individual rights, and the role of family in crisis. It’s sometimes easy for Western viewers to agree with Billi’s doubts, but more and more, as the family explains Chinese values of taking on an emotional burden so Nai Nai doesn’t have to carry this, the family’s perspective becomes understandable, compassionate, gracious. We can see, through Billi’s eyes, why being in between can be so challenging and so enriching.
Billi’s parents struggle too, especially with loss and guilt, as both of Nai Nai’s sons live outside of China and are unable to care for their mother and experience daily life with her. (Side note: a concept known as ‘brain drain’ is especially common in developing nations like India and China). The Chinese aunt defends staying in China while planning to send her son to the US to study, while the no longer fully Chinese brothers defend their choice to leave while also attempting to retain their Chinese identities. The experience of being constantly in between isn’t exclusive to Billi, and is a common struggle for people in the diaspora. And yet the pain of not being able to be with their mother in her final days is palpable, regardless of the viewer’s background. I won’t give away what happens at the end - if Nai Nai lives or dies - in the hopes that you will immediately watch this film if you haven’t yet!
Psychology as a field has often neglected how the many layers that define us - culture, society, religion - influence our mental health. But if belonging and identity are so central to the human experience, how can we ignore the various influences on our internal lives? As our field broadens its horizons and incorporates people from different backgrounds, fortunately this perspective is shifting too. Studies are confirming that bias and discrimination negatively impact our health; interventions are being created to intentionally build belonging for groups vulnerable to exclusion; the concept of acculturation is being questioned and modified. The duality of recognizing both the unique and the universal is a constant challenge in psychology, not unlike the challenges of Billi and her family. The Farewell helps us to live in the shoes of those who are experiencing a constant sense of otherness, but in doing so, we realize their experiences aren’t so foreign after all. The world needs more empathy; telling complex stories has the power to deliver it to us.
** A note about the making of this film: The Farewell faced countless roadblocks in its development, for precisely the same reasons mentioned above. American producers thought it wasn’t American enough, Chinese producers thought it wasn’t Chinese enough. Making a film that was, by definition, focused on the in between meant it was almost too much for those alien to this concept to handle. But as those of us living these dualities daily know, the outcome - despite the confusion and mindmazes! - is the privilege of living multiple perspectives, values, beliefs all at once. It’s amazing what humans are capable of: the nuance, the complexity. It’s so important more stories like this get told, so we can all experience the challenges and triumphs of discovering our own richness.
Two of my favorite novels focusing on identity, belonging, and cross cultural lives:
Americanah / Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
A Place for Us / Fatima Farheen Mirza
And a beautiful TED Talk about belonging to multiple places:
Where is Home? / Pico Iyer
