Trauma & Grief: Never Have I Ever - Season 1, Episode 9
Photo: IMDB
Alert! Spoilers ahead.
Mindy Kaling’s Never Have I Ever (NHIE) tells the story of a young woman, Devi, who is grappling with the sudden death of her father. She’s also dealing with a complicated relationship with her mother - the usual adolescent angst amplified by the struggles of a multicultural household, as Devi was born in the US while her mother, Nalini, immigrated from India with Devi’s father, Mohan. Firstly, I have to put in a plug for this show: as an Indian-American with immigrant parents, this show resonated deeply with me. As a psychologist, the trauma, grief, and loss aspects - combined with the everyday challenges of being a teenager and straddling multiple cultures - was all too compelling. In short, NHIE feels like it was made for me!
Of all the episodes, Episode 9 (“…had to be on my best behavior”) stood out as an exemplar of trauma. We see how similar moods, images, and moments - in this case, Devi’s uncle unexpectedly standing in front of the fridge, similar to her father - can trigger flashbacks. Flashbacks are classic post trauma responses, and are intense emotional experiences, usually in the form of memories accompanied by sensations that cause a person to feel that they are reliving something from the past in the present. In Devi’s case, seeing her uncle in this way triggers her to remember a specific instant with her father. Flashbacks can often leave us feeling raw and vulnerable, and Devi seems to feel this way; soon after, Nalini’s light scolding causes another flashback: remembering the moments leading up to her father’s untimely death. The alignment of the scenes - with the light of the fridge evoking the same moments with her father, the flash of her mother’s eyes evoking much more painful, yet similar, memories - is beautifully done.
Another key moment is Devi’s reluctance to play the harp for her uncle and her cousin Kamala’s suitor. We have seen this reluctance throughout the series, and it’s another classic trauma symptom: avoidance. Like all trauma reactions, avoidance is an adaptive response by our minds and bodies, whose goal is one thing and one thing only: survival. When we experience a traumatic event, our minds and bodies literally feel like we may not survive - that what’s happening is so senseless it threatens our understanding of reality, of ourselves, and of the world around us. How can we blame Devi for desperately avoiding playing the harp, when this is exactly what she was doing when her father died? And yet, in Episode 9, we see her pushing through this fear and finally being able to get through a whole piece. Initially, the flashbacks are negative and painful, but as she persists, other memories reveal themselves, filled with love, tenderness, and all the positive ways she remembers her father. This is the tricky thing about avoidance: it may help us feel safe momentarily, but it also blocks out all the positive, good, meaningful moments that we would never, ever want to forget.
As mentioned, throughout the previous eight episodes, we see Devi engaging in classic post-trauma behavior: avoidance of intense emotions and various behaviors, distracting herself and pushing away from deep relationships, and spinning herself into a web of sticky situations. It’s easy to blame the trauma survivor, and the viewer can find herself feeling this way about Devi, in particular in this episode - knowing she just lied to her mother (again), in pursuit of a boy (again), and is likely to get caught (again). However, what’s important to remember is the lack of choice and agency that occurs when we experience trauma. Trauma is so, well, traumatic partly because what happens is out of our control - we have no choice over what happens and how we respond. Devi had no choice about her father’s death, as well as how her mind and body responded, e.g. her subsequent temporary paralysis (more on this later!). Thus, her sometimes erratic and irresponsible behavior, besides being typical adolescent stuff, is also likely not due to careful decision making and choices, but rather reactive behavior lacking a sense of agency that then leads to more consequences, more reactions, and an ongoing cycle of pain.
Now, that doesn’t mean people with trauma get a “free pass”, but rather that patience and compassion are key. As mentioned earlier, trauma reactions are a normal reaction to highly abnormal events. But compassion and patience can be tough when multiple people are attempting to cope with the same trauma - in this case, Nalini’s own struggles with her husband’s death and her daughter’s temporary paralysis. In Episode 9, we see her often cautioning Devi not to engage in her “usual Devi nonsense” (which can be understood as normal trauma reactions + typical teenage behavior) and pinching Devi’s legs in a panic when Devi says she is under a lot of stress, fearing she may be paralyzed again. Ultimately, the conflict that ensues is only the tip of the iceberg, with the true conflict residing underneath: the terrible fight Devi and Nalini had the night of Mohan’s death. Both characters seem to be filled with shame and guilt - also a classic trauma reaction - over how they treated one another … but, of course, that’s dealt with in another episode!
**A note on the paralysis component, which some have criticized as irrelevant, ableist, and problematic: trauma reactions, are, for lack of a better term, often really weird and unexpected. In this case, it’s based on a real reaction that NHIE’s co creator’s brother experienced. I mentioned earlier that during trauma, our minds and bodies are only focused on survival, which results in extreme autonomic nervous system responses and can have ongoing effects until the trauma is properly treated. But another aspect of trauma that I have explored with clients in therapy, is that there is no “sense-ful” way to respond to something senseless. This is why it’s so crucial for trauma survivors to be patient with themselves, and for others to be compassionate with them. Healing is possible; I’ve seen firsthand the incredible resilience of trauma survivors - and we see glimmers of healing for Devi in Episode 9! - but it takes time, intention, and support. From a psychological perspective, Devi’s paralysis is not irrelevant or ableist, but it could have been more effectively addressed by adding a simple line or two about trauma reactions, for example in one of Devi’s therapy sessions.
To read more about trauma, here are two excellent books - my ‘go to’ resources for all things trauma:
Trauma & Recovery / Judith Herman
The Body Keeps the Score / Bessel van der Kolk
And since I’m writing this during COVID-19 quarantine, here’s an illuminating piece on the grief many of us may be experiencing right now:
That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief / Scott Berniato, Harvard Business Review
